Honestly

Honesty is everything, and I mean that. Starting with ourselves, it shapes us in the most important of ways; chooses our friends, how we treat ourselves, what we choose to do in our lives.

We spend a lot of time creating personas for the outside world, sometimes creating them for ourselves, but this does not benefit us in the way we think it does. There is no comfort, in the people we love, holding dear a persona that is only a fabrication of our insecurities. Im not saying we shouldn’t put forward our best selves, but that person must be true, for it to ever mean anything.

Our true selves, the one that holds our values, is the one we should focus on. You see our faults are not something we should be running from or creating masks for and i’ll explain why.

Being honest about who you are and presenting that person to the world honours us in a way nothing else can. We then allow ourselves to attract the people who love us so purely for exactly who we are, our faults included. Everyone has parts of themselves that they aren’t proud of, parts they never show the rest of the world, for the fear that it will crumble the persona they’ve shielded themselves with. It is so lonely to have people looking at you, but loving someone they see in your place.

Vulnerability breeds connection in all relationships. Showing our weakest parts is scary but allows someone to see that we trust and value the connection shared. Connection shows no depth without it, there is no trust if there is no weakness.

It takes practice to be truely honest about what your values and beliefs are, to share them with integrity. I think being honest with ourselves is sometimes the hardest first step because we must be true to ourselves if we wish to be true to others, and sometimes we don’t like what we find. What do you value? What do you believe in? What are your strengths? Most importantly, what are your weaknesses?

I find writing down my answers to these questions really helps me be real with myself, allows me some clarity, amongst chaos.

Allow people the space to be true, with empathy, kindness and open arms and they will do the same for you. The world is harsh, we are scared of each other, but what we long for, is to connect purely with people who love us in our rawest forms. We long to have the grace to be the ugliest versions of ourselves and to be loved, regardless. True, unconditional, love.

For this to be possible we must give that gift to ourselves. To look at ourselves, really look at ourselves, who we are, who we have been, who we wish to be. It is important to get to know yourself, even the parts we are not proud of, the parts we wish to change, and to forgive ourselves. Showing ourselves empathy and kindness for our mistakes, our regrets, our loss and the ways we don’t measure up in our own eyes, which as we see it, is the eyes of the world.

Because it’s okay to not be proud of the things we have done or who we have been in the past. We have learnt from all of that, but you must accept and forgive yourself for being that person, knowing now that it is your choice whether you want to be that person in the future.

The possibilities that being honest with ourself provides for us are endless, friendships that are full to the brim with acceptance, relationships in general with people who love you for who you truly are with people who display everything that you love about people. Because honestly, we attract who we are.

When we realise the people around us display things that are not true to our values the first place we should check in with, is ourselves.

If we choose to, we change constantly, we should not tire ourselves with changing our personas instead. By embracing our true selves we allow space to grow and learn. We allow a future to bloom that we can be content in knowing aligns with our values.

Kindness is free and unconditional, contagious, and so we can share it every day and know that we will see it bloom endlessly. Be the butterfly that flaps its wings, and changes the world.

Honestly, love yourself, and each other.

-KJ

P.s. Don’t be afraid of people not liking you for who you are honestly, it just means they aren’t the people that vibe with you, and that’s okay, you will always find people who do, and that’s the best feeling in the world. Allow yourself that!

ADHD Awareness month

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 24 and I wanted to talk about that a little bit. As I sit here, fighting with distraction to write this, it almost seems impossible to me that no one noticed the symptoms throughout my life. For a lot of women though, late diagnosis is usually the case. along with being misdiagnosed or the diagnosis being missed entirely.

Women tend towards being inattentive rather than hyperactive which is ironically difficult to spot unless paying close attention. Along with information being misleading about the disorder itself. If your struggle isn’t reflected in your grades or you aren’t disrupting the class in some way it seems you just become invisible.

I spent my childhood day dreaming, reading, climbing trees and taking myself on adventures. I was a good kid, for the most part I was respectful and well behaved, quiet but distant. My behaviour warranting names like space-cadet and being constantly asked to hurry up or move faster. as opposed to my hyperactive counterparts I moved in what felt like slow motion. like I was watching my life and the world go by in third person from the back of my very busy mind.

In high school I became aware of how different I was, only back then it felt like inadequacy. not being able to keep up with my classmates in any sense of the word. In some classes I was obnoxious and disrespectful of the teacher and the students learning. In maths I wrote stories quietly and to myself. I was late every day. My assignments were late or never completed because I couldn’t understand the breadth of the questions or I would over think them to the point of rendering my answers not worthy.

It’s disheartening to try your absolute hardest and still be told its not good enough, to be told “you have so much potential if only you would put in the effort” “if Keanna stopped talking so much and payed attention she would excel”. Being smart but not being able to apply it is crippling and people treat you like you’re stupid for not being able to keep up with what most people can.

Eventually I got asked to leave school as I wasn’t putting in the effort, id given up on myself. Instead of trying and facing the consequences of being told just one more time that I wasn’t trying, I gave up, I stopped showing up to class, I didn’t even attempt my assignments. I was hurting and I felt that for some reason unbeknownst to me that I just couldn’t equate to what was expected of me, so I was inevitably asked to leave.

It wasn’t until many years later when I decided to study counselling that I realised the issues I faced in school weren’t just an issue of growing up. I struggled to listen to my teachers and found solace in watching the trains pass amidst examining the clouds. This was a subject I enjoyed greatly and I still couldn’t keep up. Assignments were filled with anxiety, stress and the questions seemed to be weighted in riddles.

I was researching mental health conditions for an assignment and stumbled across the diagnostic criteria for ADHD and suddenly my struggles felt viable and real. I researched for hours, watching videos of people with ADHD explaining their struggles, reading articles and seeing the statistical variance between diagnosis for men and women. Suddenly I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore and I found a doctor who would take me seriously.

The first doctor I went to see disregarded my issues as me needing to learn better methods of organisation. He wouldn’t send me to a psychologist until id scored high on the depression test. the psychologist seemed to disregard ADHD entirely and suggested I buy more coat hangers and organisational containers.

I called another doctors office and the lady, who had seemed shocked about my previous experience, said “I think we have the perfect doctor for you to come and see”. Seeing this doctor, who treated the issues I was facing with respect and dignity, immediately felt like I was on the right path. I was taken seriously and referred to a psychiatrist who then diagnosed me with ADHD.

A disorder so heavily researched, Studied and observed since 1902. Why is there still so much denial of its existence? Why are people facing these struggles just to be scoffed at when they reach for help? Why is it going so blindly un-noticed in schools?

I think it’s because we don’t talk about it enough, lots of people don’t know what having ADHD really entails or they don’t believe it exists. The media has created so much misinformation and bias around the topic it’s difficult for the general public to see it in any other light.

Media representation hinders public bias in another aspect as well: medication. Used to help in the treatment of ADHD are some medications known as stimulants, some part of the amphetamine family. Amphetamines don’t have a great reputation because of the street drugs associated with the name. Also the misuse of stimulant medications by drug seeking persons make it incredibly difficult to achieve treatment if you have ADHD. Feeling as though you have to prove you aren’t drug seeking is scary.

There is also a lot of resistance when it comes to giving children stimulant medication because of this fact. Parents don’t find it appealing to give their children amphetamines for breakfast. With the cultural and societal bias it makes sense they would think this way. The thing is though medications are not street drugs! They are regulated closely and their administration monitored by doctors, for an ADHD mind, stimulant medication might be the key to unlocking that aforementioned unreachable potential. In saying that every person requires treatment for their particular needs.

Medication has changed my life, I am now capable of being the person I always felt that I was but couldn’t achieve. I can finally live up to my standards. Diagnosis has helped me navigate the way that I do things and adjust the things that I do to fit me more personally, to work with my ADHD not against it. I have discovered a community of people who share similar struggles where I feel safe and understood. I finally feel in control of who I choose to be.

Theres no shame in seeking help, If you feel like something is wrong it is very much worth finding out. Whether it be physical or mental its worth discovering yourself in those ways. It provides the opportunity to take the right steps to look after yourself in ways that fit you. You deserve that!

I appreciate you and the struggles you have faced, I value you seeking to find the best things for you and your physical and mental wellbeing.

Don’t give up on yourself, you are worthy of your love and you are worthy of your kindness.

Peace and love,

-KJ

p.s sorry this was such a long one.

Habits

I struggle with unhealthy habits, have my whole life, from nicotine to laundry piles. Learning how to restructure the way I do things, creating healthier habits has helped me grow, align myself more accurately with my values and take the steps toward becoming the person aim to be.

The thought of changing something about yourself is already hard as it is. So the thought of creating a new habit, or breaking an unhealthy one, is overwhelming enough to never even start. So what if I told you it wasn’t anywhere near as hard as you thought?

Creating a new habit is as simple as becoming aware of what you want to start doing. Once you have that you can relate it to the person you wish to become, using this as your motivation. For example say I wanted to do yoga more often, I can then relate that to my values of patience, self-awareness, health and fitness. Then it’s as simple as making the choice to act upon it. In the book ‘Atomic Habits’ by James Clear he states there are four laws of behaviour change; 1. Make it obvious 2. Make it attractive 3. Make it easy and 4. Make it satisfying.

Since we form habits with repetition of this cycle; Cue (something that triggers the thought), Craving (the need to respond), Response (the action we take) and Reward (What we receive) you can relate those four laws of behaviour change to each stage in this cycle. You can reverse these four laws if your goal is to break a habit (1. make it invisible, 2. Make it unattractive, 3. Make it hard and 4. Make it unsatisfying).

Now back to the idea of starting yoga that’s our cue then you can use the way that aligns with your values as your craving. Response being the action of performing yoga and the reward being the way you feel or the step you’re taking to align with your values.

I have used this method to change many aspects about myself, (yoga was a real life example), even the small things like taking dishes to the kitchen or cleaning up after myself. Small steps lead to great change and so your habits can begin as a single step of the process.

Starting small creates the environment for a significant shift in behaviour. I have never been a very tidy or organised person but by slowly changing little aspects about that have helped me immensely. Being able to look at a room and decide what I needed to clean has never been a natural step for me, this would lead me to letting things get out of hand. Big mess is very overwhelming and creates unnecessary stress. The more stressed I feel, the likelihood of completing an overwhelming task decreases drastically. A self defeating cycle leading to low self esteem and depressive episodes.

It feels shit to be shit, in the eyes of your own values. Don’t mistake this for a bad thing! Feeling guilt is our brains way of telling us our actions aren’t aligning with our values, understanding this, is incredibly powerful. It allows us to use our guilt as a motivational tool, asking ourselves, “what action would better align me to my values in this moment”?

Essentially, when a ball is rolling it keeps rolling until a force interrupts it, right? Taking the initial step is always the hardest but it only gets easier from there. Allow yourself some compassion and some credit for taking that first step. It’s important to express patience and kindness while in the beginning stages of creating a new habit. It’s okay to forget sometimes and its okay to fuck up sometimes. Try and shift your mindset around that as being helpful in your learning process rather than a hindrance, as pissed off at yourself as you may be, don’t forget! You are trying, you’re figuring it out, you’re one step closer.

That’s all that matters, taking that step for yourself, Im so proud of you!

Show yourself some compassion, forgiveness and maybe even a lil hug! Be kind to each other and always to yourself! Peace and love 🙂

-KJ
(Written in support of myself and hopefully others)

Acceptance

Feelings are funny in the way they mean nothing and everything in the same breathe. Im writing about this as it seems to be the theme of the day and something I’ve been at war with for most of my life.

Feelings or emotions are incredibly important in that they share with us what we need or what we need to stay away from. Although this seems to make sense, and it does, it’s the fact that our feelings aren’t always rational and we aren’t always aware of it that is the issue.

I spent a vast majority of my few years on this planet feeling incredibly sorry for myself, the world is out to get me, all that stuff. Plenty of teenagers feel this, heck, plenty of people feel this. But this isn’t rational. The world was never out to get me, my experience in life was not inherently worse than the next person but for some reason I felt that. Now think of it this way, why am I so special as to receive my own unique kind of suffering. I’m not. Neither is anybody else. Suffering isn’t unique it may be interpreted differently, experienced differently but its all suffering just the same.

I think it’s important to stop trying to understand our emotions so much as to just witness them, see where the thought takes us. In that moment that you feel whatever feeling it is that scares you, it may feel awful to embrace it or go deeper but you have to remember its not going to swallow you up. The pit of feeling isn’t never ending.

What I mean is don’t think about your feelings analytically, don’t judge them or yourself for existing, observe the feelings. Observe them in their rawest purest form and let them guide you to their root. Instead of turning your head and ignoring them face them with grace and empathy, patiently allowing them to exist for their time to present whatever they need to. This is a gift, because it provides you with the opportunity to sit front row in observing what steps you need to take to better align yourself with your values.

You see I was reading ‘fuck your feelings’ an article by Mark Manson and he spoke about meta feelings. The feelings you have of your feelings, to put it lightly. His article explains how I feel about feelings probably more accurately than what I’m personally writing about how I feel about feelings. Anyway, meta feelings tell you what you feel about your feelings, so essentially telling you whether you think you should feel the way that you do, or not?

What I’m saying is, the awareness of personal values will allow you to observe your feelings, and meta feelings, to see whether or not your actions, which led to said feelings, were or weren’t in line with your values. This then allowing you to adjust the way you act or respond to more accurately align with your values. Learning is a beautiful thing.

The world gets a little more peaceful when you are in acceptance with letting yourself feel.

I’m not presenting this as a cure all method for feeling things. Pain still fucking hurts. But by taking the opportunity to gain something of value from it can help in being the person you aim to be, at least it has helped me a lot in my journey from irrational teenager to semi-rational sort-of-adult. It helped me stop letting my emotions take the wheel so much by creating the space to feel and then assess where that led me.

It feels uncomfortable, but don’t be frightened its only your brain. If you choose to observe curiously, with empathy and grace, you give yourself the kindest gift.

The opportunity to put your best foot forward.

Be kind to yourself. Peace and love!

-KJ

Hurdles

I wanted to talk a little about comfort and overcoming the difficulties in our lives. The problem being that there is usually no comfort when faced with adversities. Unfortunately we often find ourselves head to head with a personal struggle and look for the easy way out, or worse, give up on ourselves (this is okay sometimes but don’t forget to pick yourself back up or reach for a helping hand).

Facing challenges isn’t supposed to be easy. Challenges help us to overcome something, to build, to learn, to adjust. Ironically the only way for us to solve problems is to face them and the more we do that the more capable we are of tolerating the tough stuff, the more patience and understanding we acquire.

Getting used to struggling sounds like a pain in the ass though right?, And I understand that. facing things that are hard, is well…hard. But it gets easier and I mean that. Theres a certain intrinsic value from pushing ourselves through hardships. Being proud of ourselves for doing what we had to to get through it. Even if that means allowing ourselves to go through the process of grieving with grace and empathy (a particularly hefty struggle that to be honest you don’t ever truely overcome, I’ll touch on this later).

It’s so common for us to ignore our problems, to distract ourselves from how painful something Is, which is okay for a little bit. It’s the long run distracting ourselves that can hurt us more than help us. While at the same time the problem is still simmering below the surface.

We cannot give up on ourselves.

You have got to have your own back. We live in an age where we are so cruel to ourselves and majority of it is false. We can treat ourselves with integrity, with honesty, which means acknowledging our strengths and staying aware of our shitty parts too. All we can do as people is focus on living true to our values and being the best person we can be in line with that, in the here and now. in each passing moment, do the right thing, by ourselves and by others.

Doing right by ourselves might mean figuring out our strengths and utilising them to tackle adversities. It might mean spending the day in bed, or on the other hand pushing yourself to get out of bed. It depends on who we are and what is important to us. whether we choose, each moment, to live by that which is important to us.

I briefly touched on grief earlier and I wanted to expand on that. Overcoming grief is not the outcome, the loss we feel never truly goes away, it might hurt just a little less one day. We grow around grief, we continue on our trajectory through life with a pain so huge that we slowly become a little more okay with the feeling, we become one with our pain. I think it’s beautiful that we will always hold that hurt for the people that we love. Although it is an ache that dulls but never ceases, it becomes something of fond memory, a reminder of the times shared together and the connection shared that we hold dear. Allowing ourselves to grieve with grace and empathy is important, it looks different for everyone. If that means scream crying into the abyss, we shall allow ourselves the space and the grace to feel that. Losing someone is about the most awful pain we can experience and a lot of the time we will need support and that’s more than okay.

I feel as though becoming one with our pain is important, feeling it, acknowledging it, accepting it. allowing ourselves the grace to feel.

Shit sucks sometimes, but the better we get at acknowledging it rather than denying it, the more we allow the space to feel content in our lives.

I believe In you, in your weakness and your strength, your humanity and your grace. Be kind to yourself, and to others.

Peace and love

-KJ

Hello World

I welcome you to the inner workings of my mind! I just want to take a second to introduce myself. My name is Keanna, I’m 25 years old, currently working as a bartender whilst studying counselling. I live with my partner and my little dog: Matilda, affectionately referred to as; Ming, Muppis, Muppy, Pretty lady, Sock hands or lil baby.

Some other things; I love the word ‘fuck’ and I use it a lot, I think it is a great way to inject emotion into any sentence that expresses a whole range of meaning and feeling. Reading is something I have always loved, it was an escape in my childhood to beautiful new worlds, with this comes my love of writing. I’ve spent my whole life writing stories, though lacking the talent, I enjoyed it none the less!

My ridiculous amount of plants in jars is a borderline manic obsession of how much I love having greenery around, I love my plants and no one can take that away from me. I spend my time doing yoga or reading or procrastinating things that matter more.

Im content here, in my little bubble. I love to learn so that’s what I try to do and that’s all I wish to accomplish. If I could share what I learn or what I go through with the possibility that it may help someone, somewhere, it would make me so happy.

My philosophy as a human is to treat others with respect, empathy and humanity. To be a person who lives in line with their values. A person who is shamelessly and honestly themselves. I want to encourage people to find comfort in who they are and to embrace themselves, warts and all. I wish to always remain curious, to never stop learning and to encourage the same in others.

Really I just wish you the best. I hope what I put here can bring some form of comfort.

-KJ

P.S. Have a photo of me and ol sock hands being creepy