Well Beings

Conflict

Conflict has always been a constant in my life. Since I was little the people close to me have fought, yelled, screamed and thrown things. It all comes from something simple, miscommunication and feelings getting out of hand.

It’s contagious and it trickles into me. I don’t even realise I’m yelling until the damage is done. This is something I obviously have to get better at, but how do I fix something so ingrained in me, such a normality in my upbringing.

While being angry or frustrated are completely healthy human emotions, its so important to express them properly. Strong emotions have a tendency to snow ball out of hand. That snowball has to be stopped in its infancy to avoid the fucking car crash of a shituation it will land you in otherwise.

So how do we express anger without being an asshole? Practice mainly, but here are some strategies that have helped me.

Shutting my god damn mouth:
I’ve had a tendency to blurt out harmful things when I’m feeling backed into a corner, these things don’t ring true in the slightest, just weaponised insecurities. Awful shit truly. No one deserves their weaknesses used as weapons to bring them down, especially by someone they love and trust, its extremely difficult to mend a relationship when trust has been violated like that. The first thing you have to do is be aware that you’re doing it, realise its not helping anyone but instead harming them. when you’re angry you have to recognise the feelings that lead to these outbursts and remind yourself to shut your damn mouth.

Taking a time out to calm down the lizard brain:
Our brain has a tendency to revert when we are confronted with conflict activating our lizard brain responsible for “fight, flight and freeze” responses shutting out the part that provides logic and understanding. Taking a moment respectfully to reevaluate the situation bring back our rational thinking brain to evaluate whether anger is the true cause of our outburst or just the reactionary response to an emotion we have trouble identifying. Commonly we resort to anger rather than taking the time to compassionately explore the root of our reaction in turn ignoring unmet needs.

Stay curious:
Once you have had time to breathe its time to explore with curiosity and compassion the deeper cause to reactionary anger. While anger is still an emotion and is completely normal to feel sometimes we use it as a kind of scape goat for feelings that are harder to describe or understand like; Fear, anxiety, guilt, shame, embarrassment, betrayal, jealousy, hurt and worry. These complex emotions are not frequently talked about like anger and it’s easy to shovel them all into the one category. Each emotion requires something different though and its important to tune into that so you have an idea of what you might have to ask for from the other person in a way that is non confrontational and respectful of the other person, without resorting to common defence mechanisms like placing blame or defensiveness.

If we take the time, slow it down, assess our own shit we allow an opportunity for vulnerable communication of needs which can only benefit our relationships. I still very much struggle with this and fight it every time I feel a slight attack on my character even if there isn’t one, its an on going battle but is so so worth it for the wellbeing of my relationships and my own mental health.

I want to express that its okay to fuck up sometimes and let slip a little anger it can be really difficult to unlearn things and make room for new and more productive ways of dealing with conflict. In saying this it is incredibly important to apologise sincerely no matter how embarrassing that might feel, for hurting someone else’s feelings or not respecting them by yelling or snapping at them. It’s important to take responsibility for our actions and make amends appropriately, while it’s okay to slip sometimes, for an apology to mean something it has to be followed by action towards not repeating what you are apologising for in the first place.

We are humans just trying to be better people growing and changing can be uncomfy but worth it. Stay kind and compassionate with yourself and just do your best.

Its always okay to reach out for help, if you are struggling or just need someone to talk things over with REACH OUT! You can always call 13 11 14 to speak to lifeline or speak to your doctor about other options available for mental health.

I now have my Diploma of Counselling so if theres anything you want to know please don’t be afraid to send me an email through the blog. 🙂

Take care, be kind, spread love.

I believe in us,

-Kj

P.s. I apologise for my absence and appreciate any kind of engagement with either the blog or the reddit book club and thank you so kindly for sticking around ❤

Still here, just sleeping…

Hey so i know it’s been a while, I’ve been distracted, shocking i know. Life gets so busy making it hard to maintain anything. I have a tendency to get overwhelmed and as my life descends into chaos so does my mental state.

There were a couple of weeks just past where i found it incredibly difficult to get out of bed, face the world or do anything helpful for myself or others. Thus begins a viscious cycle of incomplete jobs and poor self esteem.

I feel as though im at a constant battle with myself to perform at minimal level and it is quite hard on me to feel so behind everyone else in seemingly simple areas. By all means my life isnt particularly hard and anyone having a genuinely difficult time would probably scoff at me and my war with the housework. Yes i know feeling sorry for myself isnt helpful but sometimes its unavoidable.

I want to be able to post here regularly, i love writing and expressing how i feel even if no one was to read it, in a sense its therapeutic for me to get my thoughts written out. I feel as though there are so many areas of my life I’m expected to perform at 100% and i just dont have that much storage space, theres always and area that i seem to be lacking in and its painful to put other people through that or to be lettiing them down.

I’ve had to start coming to an acceptance that i can’t be perfect all the time no matter how hard i try and that its okay if sometimes things are a mess (that includes me). Half of the time i feel like im drowing as i watch others playfully swimming around and splashing about enjoying the sunshine. I know im not alone in feeling this way. I would love to hear your successes, failures and anything learnt at the other side. Please email me your stories, i would love to engage more and connect with people through experiences and learnings. Also if there are any suggestions for blog posts or interesting topics you would like to share with me i would love to hear those too. Anyway, thats enough of this pitty party, i hope to be writing more frequently soon i just wanted to give a brief update so you know i havent disapeared.

Thank you so much for reading and interacting with me i thoroughly enjoy doing this and im grateful for the community it welcomes.

Peace, love, rainbows and big hugs.

Take care ❤
-KJ

Connection

We have grown up in a society that harrows the idea of experiencing feelings and talking about the emotional experience. Because of this we developed negative or harmful mechanisms to deal with difficult shit on our own. Biologically, emotional connection drastically effects our brain chemistry and our outlook, feeling safe with someone where being vulnerable is encouraged and supported. Throughout history we have lived together in communities, we had a better chance of survival if we had the trust and support of others. In this day and age we are faced with such a disconnect from that primal need, and for so many of us growing up our emotional experience or needs were only spoken of in negative light, met with disdain and disapproval.

Building connection is important, for our relationships and for our mental health. If we aren’t raised in an environment that is emotionally secure it can have a detrimental effect on our growth and development. Dysfunctionally approaching adulthood from such an emotional disconnect, a fear of our negative emotions and relational vulnerability. Although it isn’t our fault, we may have missed out on the opportunity to develop emotionally, now its our responsibility to change that for ourselves.

Building our emotional intelligence to create meaningful connections can be an interesting journey and I say this from personal experience. Self reflection can be very confronting, sometimes our emotional disconnect causes us to be impulsive and reckless, not having learnt how to process our emotions leads to them bleeding into our lives and effecting our loved ones in ways that can haunt us. Facing the guilt surrounding our outlandish behaviours is quite a feat but the thing is with feelings, they have to be felt, the more we try to avoid or bury them, the more they arise in harmful ways.

Some things that have really helped me on my journey of self discovery:

1. Negative emotions are actually good, they provide us with an opportunity to reflect on a situation, learn from it and take the pieces from the experience that hold value in our growth as a person. Being able to self reflect and process how we feel about certain things gives us an almost direct guide to the values we hold. We don’t have to be afraid of feelings that can be painful because when we process them we can move on in a productive way.

2. Feeling words matter, there is so much miscommunication because we haven’t the verbal tools to describe what is going on for us emotionally. It is extremely valuable to be able to explain accurately how something is effecting you and being able to objectively label each emotion in regard to a situation. once you have the right language to describe your feelings its a lot easier to identify the needs that aren’t being met in association with that feeling. for example embarrassment might come out as what looks like anger which gets met with distance from another person, If you can identify that you are embarrassed you can communicate in a way that allows loved ones to provide right kind of support for your needs to be met.

3. Anger is usually misrepresented pain, when we look beneath that, curiously probing for the underlying emotion, we can discover that anger is not what we are even experiencing. Because some of us aren’t provided the tools to navigate complex emotions anger is the go to for a lot of them. Yelling, screaming, throwing things or hitting are not acceptable ways to process feelings. It’s important for our family, friends and our own well being that we make the effort to understand our underlying emotions and focus on getting those needs met. Many of us use unhealthy defence mechanisms so its important to identify those and work to create healthier ways to cope with complex feelings.

4. Some criticism is helpful and kind. We often jump to the conclusion or falsely identify things as criticism, especially if we have been on the defence for a long time. Reactionary to things perceived as threat to our battered self esteem. When someone is informing us that we have crossed their boundaries or hurt their feelings it’s important to look at this information as a learning opportunity rather than a threat. Its okay to make mistakes and be wrong, that’s how we learn, people really appreciate when we respect their boundaries and apologise when we miss the mark. When people confront us about upsetting them it gives us the opportunity to treat them how they want to be treated and respect their human experience. An opportunity for vulnerability and relationship building.

5. Its okay to fail or make mistakes. I once got a fortune cookie that read “failure is the mother of success” which I think is important to remember. We must walk before we can run so during our process of going from novice to having adequate abilities on anything we must fail and make mistakes to learn and progress. Somewhere along the line we might have been punished for a mistake or failure rather than given the opportunity to learn and in a young mind that converts to “failure/mistakes = bad”. If we keep this belief we will stunt our growth and live fearing the stepping stones of little failures and mistakes that lead us to success.

6. Being human is messy and that is okay. None of us are perfect, we are stunning imperfection and goals to be perfect will be serially unmet. We all have flaws and unfavourable characteristics, rather than reprimanding ourselves for this it’s important that we accept ourselves unconditionally. It is more than okay to be a bit of a mess sometimes, love yourself anyway, you deserve nothing less. We must face the parts of ourselves that we don’t like to ever begin the process of changing that. If we choose to ignore them we run the risk of developing denial surrounding anything we perceive as bad about ourselves. Doing this can lead to narcissistic defence mechanisms that drastically prevent healing and growth and can damage relationships. It’s okay to be shit sometimes, it’s not okay to deny it.

7. Expectations/ assumptions ruin everything. expecting people to be a certain way without directly affirming that’s what you would like from them is fruitless. It is up to us to communicate our boundaries and how we want to be treated, some people will respect that and some people won’t, this is a pretty good indicator of who we want to keep in our lives. In saying this people will rarely meet your expectations and you will spend a lot of time sorely disappointed so its best to expect nothing. This way you are pleasantly surprised when people are behaving in ways that are positive and when they are negative or hurtful we are less disappointed. Similarly assuming you know what someone wants, feels or thinks is also fruitless. We can make an educated guess but its impossible to know this unless it is communicated to us directly from the person. Assuming to know is harmful, resent building and breaks down relationships through lack of connection.

I’ll stop at lucky 7 before this gets too long. Please take care, love and kindness and batter yourself with it.

If you ever need a listening ear there is a website I love called 7 cups where trained active listeners who volunteer are available for an anonymous, free online chat 24/7. Its always okay to reach out for help therapy is one of the best tools available to us and I seriously recommend it for anyone.

Peace, love and kindness an all that.

Big hugs,
-Kj

Click here for 7cups

Heal

There’s so much not taught to us growing up, only recently has the societal narrative pivoted to appreciate mental health and well being. Before it was all “suck it up” “get over it” “others are worse off” “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”. There’s nothing wrong with hurting, let’s stop damaging our healing process by denying our pain.

Nurturing your mind and body in a time of healing is crucial to the process. though healing is very individual here are a couple of things I recommend or have worked for me. Also you don’t have to tell anyone you’re doing any of these things, or you can, or you could do them with a friend, really up to you.

Cry about it!
And I mean cry, ugly cry in the shower, screaming the most depressing song you can’t sing and really just let it flow. There’s something so cathartic about it, being cleansed by warm water that wipes the tears from your face.
Watch Stupid happy movies
or romcoms or sad movies you can sob at, get really bundled up in blankets and pillows, get a warm tea, and if its hot put the aircon on. Indulge in ultimate comfort and cry laugh at stupid movies
Write about it
Journal the sad out, I’m not joking it feels like a weight off your shoulders just to get whatever it is out on paper, there it is written out so its no longer taking up so much space in your head 🙂
Cuddle a loved one
Find someone who will let you give them one of those good squishy hugs that feel safe and full of love, usually the best from family members or close friends, partners if you have one but they aren’t compulsory.
Indulge in something that brings you joy
Be that reading, gardening, painting, singing, doing your make up, getting your hair done, buying shoes, yoga, organising. Seriously anything that brings you joy, eat ice-cream in your undies, whatever, this is about you!
Breathe,
remember that pain is always the most intense in the beginning and then we grow with it, so when you think about it the hardest part is already over, so don’t give up now.
Talk to someone
Be that a friend who will listen or a counsellor, it can be so meaningful to feel heard, I’ve recently stumbled upon a website called 7 cups that has a free service available to chat online to a person trained in active listening, or a paid service to talk to a professional therapist. This isn’t an ad I just think the idea of a community driven site full of people volunteering to train in active listening, to support people who want to be heard is the most beautifully wholesome thing. You can also sign up to be a listener if that’s your thing.

It’s important that we care for ourselves when times get tough, that we nurture our pain till we get that seedling of growth, because its in there I promise you. Give yourself time and be patient, allow yourself to process the hurt, eat loads of chocolate, cry, just be beautifully imperfectly unapologetically human for a bit. Embrace it with open arms.

Take care of yourself and be kind ♡

Peace, love n big hugs!

-Kj ♡

Are you listening?

There is a lot more that we could be doing for our friends and family in regards to listening. I wasnt aware how terribly i was interacting with people until i was taught counselling microskills, which in my opinion should be taught in schools. There are so many aspects in communication that we arent taught its a surprise we can form and maintain relationships at all.

Theres a deep well of techniques in regards to listening i want to go through a few to hopefully allow people the opportunity to expand their relationships and create more meaningful connections in their life. My personal life has shifted drastically in its authenticity and depth since studying counselling.

I think my lack of ability function or listen properly through the expression of other peoples vulnerablities has seriously hindered the quality of my relationships in the past. I feel that if the basics of counselling are more readily available we could create an environment in which we feel safe and supported by our loved ones and capable of disclosing our vulnerablities without fear of putting ourselves at risk.

Its quite simple really and upon learning some of these things i felt it was so blatantly obvious i must be an idiot for not realising sooner, since our society has created a culture in which its opposed to vulnerability we have forgotten about its importance. how accurate it is that vulnerability is not a weakness but our greatest strength. Also the most effective way to build meaningful and long lasting reltionships filled with reciprocated trust and understanding.

First off, Active listening. we have a preconcieved idea of what listening should be and so we converse in a way that doesnt value the experiences and emotions of another. Active listening requires you to be fully present, taking in every aspect of what a person is saying. listening to hear, not listening to respond, and there’s a big difference. Totally obvious when someone isn’t listening to you and are just waiting for their chance to respond. its invalidating. when i speak to someone about something important or emotional to me i want to be heard. i want my feelings to be recognised appreciated rather than disregarded. Active listening means to throw all your personal feelings about the topic out the fucking window and really just listen to this persons experience.

Empathy, focus on them, their experience, feel the pain they describe, their frustrations. Their body language, their tone, the language they use. it all describes in extreme detail their emotional experience. Be there in that experience and feel it too. Providing this kind of support, you create a space where they’re no longer alone in that feeling, you shoulder some of the weight. For some and in my opinion this is the most meaningful kind of support.

Reflecting, this is a skill which requires you to essentially repeat what someone says to you back in your own words. This allows you to clarify your understanding, whilst also giving the speaker the opportunity to reflect on what they’ve said. Imagine the closeness you would feel having someone reflect what your saying as a means to clarify their understanding. what better way to show another person you are truly interested than to ask questions. i really think reflection is a beautiful tool to work toward understanding someone to the best of your abilities.

From reflection comes asking questions and remaining curious. Take the opportunity to listen curiously to what a person is saying and ask questions that allow you to share discovery with them. It is beautiful to experience discovery with someone. To watch as someone sees their own experience through an inquisitive lense, questioning something they might not have before.

It is with ut most importance that when someone gives you the privelege of their vunerability that you inquire without judgment. Nothing like someones personal bias imposing on your experience to pull the exchange to a screeching halt. Relative to this is assuming you share their experience. Assuming anything about another persons emotions or thoughts is silly because there is no way to know unless they exclusively tell you. Someone elses experience is not up for your personal interpretation. They arent opening up to you to hear what you think they should be doing or thinking. If they want advice they will ask for it. Unwarranted it is condescending and insulting, imagine that from the other perspective having someone tell you they know your experience better than you and then having them ram that down your throat.

Similarly, and im guilty of this more than id like to admit, relating someones experience to that of your own. We don’t know what other people think or feel unless they tell us and so assuming our situation regardless of how similar in theory is the same which they are going through is invalidating to their experience. Let a person tell you their experience without making it about you.

Lastly, the importance of silence. My teacher mentioned someone telling her that “silence is the ultimate open ended question”. In society we are somewhat taught that silence is awkward, but in a meaningful conversation it holds so much value. Think of silence like moving clutter out of the way so that theres room for new thoughts. creating space for someone to think freely on something they’ve said. Allowing a person to lean into their thoughts, without interruption, is often where growth is discovered. A space which others may not allow them in conversation, they may not even allow it to themselves.

Now this is just a few things that we could all utilise in those vulnerable conversations we have with loved ones, but theres many more. Looking up counselling microskills be it on youtube or google, there are so many resources available, and there are so many aspects to communication its worth looking into.

I cant explain how much value i’ve found in utilising some of these skills in my personal relationships and the development and closeness this has allowed. I know that there are people in all of our lives that we wish would learn some of these things. But it isn’t within our control that which others choose to learn. So the best thing we can do is to provide this for other people and hope that it catches like a loving, listening disease of comfort and support.

I know this was a long ass post and truly i could go on about this stuff for days so i thank you for taking the time to read it and i hope some of these things help you in your life like they have mine.

Happy listening, big love and kindness, Its the best feeling to not only be listened to but really heard.

I choose to learn, until i cant.

Peace and love,

-Kj

Inward

I always thought I was a fairly open and honest person. I suddenly became aware of how much I wasn’t sharing, in exchanges with my friends and family. See although I have always recounted things that have happened in my life I haven’t been sharing a crucial part that creates stronger bonds and relationships with people.

Sharing stories with people is how we create trust in relationships, opening up and being vulnerable to create a sense of comfort and oneness. Also opening the floor and creating a safe place for others to be vulnerable in return. Telling stories I thought was the most important part but I was missing something crucial. Emotions.

The way I would share experiences that had hurt me or where I have felt weak have been recounted in a disassociated way, vacant of the vulnerability part of the whole exchange. Cold and distant I’ve told stories as though they weren’t a part of me, like id been indifferent to the experience. Now in hind sight this sounds really weird, because id been lying to myself, hiding it from myself and first and foremost standing in the way of my relationship with myself.

We don’t realise how much we try and hide from the things that pain us until they’ve swallowed us whole.

I’ve noticed that lately with this awareness I’m becoming more open with myself, exploring the feelings associated with the situations that hurt me. With this I’m learning myself, to trust, to love, to feel safe with., because I hadn’t before. when I was younger I went to great lengths to avoid spending time with me, too afraid to face my burdens I kept buried in the back of my mind. Constantly needing a distraction to avoid my own mind that was desperately reaching out for love and support.

I hid by doing drugs, going out, being reckless. I hid by focusing on other peoples demons instead of my own, on a war path of fixing people who didn’t ask for it and hurting them in the process.

being real with people is hard but its being real with yourself that takes real courage. It means being real with your ugly parts, the parts you aren’t proud of, the things that fill you with guilt and pain. being vulnerable with myself was where I truly felt I started to make positive change. All I’d needed was my own compassion my own acceptance.

I encourage you to listen to yourself, hear it all, the good and the bad because its in that place where you can truly start feeling whole again. We have to be our own best friend, to ignore the person you spend every day with is cruel. Growth can only happen when we choose to see the parts we wish to change. It takes time and patience and sometimes you might need some help. Going to therapy is always an option and its a great one, because sometimes its a little dark and it’s okay to ask someone to hold a light for you to help get through it.

Be patient with yourself, it takes time to heal. Its definitely worth it because you deserve it, and so did i.

Give yourself love, compassion and understanding. Be kind, you got this.

-KJ

Resolutions

Personally I value growth, expanding my abilities and working toward better habits. As you’ve read in other posts I talk of having been a mess for most of my life, it took studying counselling to realise my habits were harmful to myself and the people around me. Growth isn’t easy, it’s taken a lot of acceptance and compassion to give myself the opportunity to move through shameful parts of who I was. We won’t ever be perfect, we are human and we are messy, we can do our best though and that’s a good place to start.

choosing the beginning of a new year to create positive change is a nice ritual, a fresh start to move toward who you want to become. Theres a problem with the way we do this though, biting off more than we can chew, ultimately ruining the drive and motivation we had in the beginning. I think it’s crucial when making commitments to ourselves to change that we lower our expectations a little. Starting small can be the difference between succeeding or giving up.

Now understandably its very overwhelming and almost impossible to completely change over night. Although it might be something we want to become and it might seem like the right steps, we aren’t likely to drop or create new habits straight away. Forming habits requires us to get so used to doing something it becomes automatic, so it takes time and effort to create new ones or kick old ones. Discouraging ourselves by not breaking it down and moving slower and more carefully into the changes we wish to pursue.

So break it down. what’s the first step, the very first step in creating this new habit or kicking this old one. I feel learning about stages of change has helped me understand how we work through things and also the book atomic habits explains really well how to break or make habits.

Most importantly, it’s not going to be easy, it’s hard to make drastic changes to ourselves or our lifestyle. If we are patient and we start small it’s a little easier to push through it and stay on track. Try not to get discouraged if you fall back to old habits, its normal to fall sometimes, what’s important is whether or not we get back up and try again. Even the smallest of steps are so important in a journey of learning and growth. You can be proud of yourself for progress even if no one knows about it. We have to be our own cheerleaders because regardless of the approval we receive from others its our own approval that truly matters. Don’t be afraid to give yourself a pat on the back for the tiny changes no one notices but you because those first tiny changes are the ones that matter most in building the foundation you need to make lasting positive change.

Be kind to yourselves through making change, have compassion and respect for yourself as a person who is trying their best. The strength it takes to even admit to ourselves a change must be made is huge. Be proud of your courage to be real with yourself, be proud of yourself for beginning the journey.

You got this. More than you probably know. So don’t doubt yourself, you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Peace and love and all that. Happy new year, happy new habits.

-KJ

Expectations

Ive almost been afraid of writing lately. Feeling myself and my good habits crumble I’m slipping out of being the person I was happy to be and with that I didn’t feel worthy of writing. Forgetting that’s the exact reason I started this blog in the first place, to work through my own shit in hopes to help others. My expectations of myself got too high and so my performance fell.

Expectations are funny in that if we keep them high we end up with a very depressing result. Disappointment plagues our lives as nothing meets what we expected them to be. We also have a tendency to have high expectations for ourselves and that’s a one way trip to sad town.

Now I’m not saying we should have low expectations, I’m saying we should have no expectations. See by having no expectations we allow things to be what they are and avoid plaguing ourselves with things not meeting the unrealistic outcomes we had created out of hope.

I want to make clear that there is a difference between expectations and standards. we should have a set of standards and strong boundaries that will create the base line of how you wish to be treated. expectations are the assumed outcome of any person or activity. see how one is helpful and the other is harmful?

Now I have held high expectations for most of my life which has led to a long road of disappointment and resentment towards my loved ones and myself. That is only harming me and my relationships. When we have no expectations we are happily surprised by the good that happens around us and not so let down when things don’t go well. its a win win.

The only way I have figured out how to do this is by reframing my thoughts, say I expect the dishes to be done when I get home, I might reframe my thoughts to “it would be Nice if the dishes were done, but its okay if they aren’t, everything’s fine and there is no rush”. Holding expectations for other people is messy and resentment ruins relationships, it’s also incredibly unrealistic to hold people to an invisible rule book held in our heads. So if we see how damaging that can be to our relationships why don’t we notice doing that to ourselves?

I want to be the best person I can be and that is my strongest goal, I want to help and support, provide the best care to the people around me. I want to write well and have good blog posts all the time that change perspectives and that I’m proud of. These are unrealistic expectations for myself, see I know I’m never going to be perfect and sometimes a blog post might be utter shit and everyone hates it. I’m restricting myself from doing something I love because I’m not perfect which really, is pretty silly, since I never will be.

So get ready for me to post more often with the rawness I intended in the beginning. get ready for some of my posts to suck. I hope my growth and experience helps you in whatever kind of way.

Im just a person trying to learn how to be a person, sometimes that’s messy and that’s okay. I hope that you can show yourself that kindness and give yourself a big stupid hug. cry about how shit you are but make sure you pat yourself on the back and just do your best to be better. I got this, you got this. Let’s give ourselves the space we need to be comfy with ourselves. tell your expectations to fuck off, just live.

Thank you for being on this journey with me, love and endless kindness.

Identity

What does it mean to know yourself? Do we ever know ourselves the way we think we do? I suppose this is a bit of a rabbit hole of a topic, one that might send you mad if thought about too much. The very loss of identity becoming your identity.

I feel like we create ourselves in a sense, we have these stories about our passions and our beliefs, stories that we create about ourselves because they are what we want to be. Qualities that we admire fuel our trajectory in that very direction. I feel like this is why our ideas, of who we are, matter so much, in a “you are what you eat” sense.

What’s your story? Who are you? What is the narrative you tell yourself, about yourself? Because that matters the most, you choose who you wish to be. I find this maluability exciting, our sense of self changes with what we see and admire in others to then adopt in ourselves. I really find beauty in our ever evolving personas, the development of our character blossoming as we reflect what we love in the world back to it. We are walking posters of that which we love and that is the purest form of art.

Trauma i think stains this mirror muddying its reflection, hairline cracks in the glass of our character form, chipping away at our sense of who we are. I feel like pain transforms us by breaking us first so we can come back, rebuild from the loss we have felt. I think this pain scares us and so it’s only natural to run from it, shut it in the corners of our mind, where it begins to fester, turning into a mould hindering our growth.

Discovering trauma, really facing it head on, is terrifying. No one wants to sit and think on the hardest parts of their life, no ones initial thought is to walk toward the pain they feel. Although it’s awful in theory and in practice to ruminate on that which brought you pain, but I feel that begins our path to becoming an evolved version of ourselves. really looking into and analysing the way we feel and what that means to us, where those thoughts and feelings really come from.

If left un tendered it begins to fill us with a darkness that slowly becomes unbearable. the further we shove our pain to the side the more it latches on, inbedding itself in our psyche. To truely let go of something we must address it. Because regardless of how terrible it was it is now a part of us, only we can choose how we go forward from it. Only we can choose whether our terrible experience is something we can turn into a positive form of growth.

Do me a favour, sit with yourself and just give yourself some compassion, allow yourself to feel hurt in a space where its okay. try and plant some seeds of goodness amongst the pain and allow yourself to flourish again. No matter how awful your trauma, you will always be beautiful and I have no doubt that you can build yourself back up from wherever the darkness has taken you, becoming the person you wish to be.

Sometimes we can’t do this alone and its okay to talk to someone, be that a therapist or a supportive friend or family member. Whichever way works for you to give yourself space to heal, to grow. We’re all different, our ways of coping are different too. So whatever that is so long as you treat yourself with love and kindness, you will be okay.

Remember to be kind to yourself and to others, show patience with the some of us who might be doing it hard right now. Give yourself and others the space to heal and a hand to hold in times of need.

Feel free to email me if you need a friend, or you want advice even if it might not be the best, I will definitely be here for you. Take care, find a reason to smile, no matter how small!

Take care, I admire your growth! Love always and be kind!

-KJ

Change

Change is hard on most of us, uncertainty breeds anxiety and stress from lack of control. Last weekend I moved house for the second time in 4 months and I can tell you right now its been a lot both mentally and physically for me to deal with. Thats why I want to talk about how we cope with change, and what we could do to ease the strain on our mental health.

Now I’m no expert, I get stressed a lot, so maybe I’m just used to it. I find it interesting how when we feel our control slipping and the uncertainty of change creeping into our minds how much we allow it to consume us. Uncertainty is scary but only if we allow it to be, see the thing about uncertainty is that it’s neutral. We have no idea what’s going to happen, we can’t claim it to be either positive or negative because we simply don’t know. So perhaps if we change negative feelings associated with uncertainty, we may just be able to bring about a little peace.

What opportunities could arise out of this change?, This could be more space to work in, a garden, a nice park or cafe nearby = a reason to get coffee and exercise, shorter commute to work = more time spent at home. Looking at change through the lens of opportunity allows our creative brain to switch on. Sparking new ideas surrounding the change will bring with it a sense of excitement, and can encourage us to move toward uncertainty with a little more acceptance.

Organising the things that we can in whichever way works best for us. This will help to clear your mind and calm racing thoughts and concerns. I find brain dumping works best for me, I will write everything that comes to mind in a list so as to figuratively get it out of my brain. I find it makes it easier to organise when I can see the things I need to do without interrupting thoughts. I recommend researching something that works well for you.

Accepting the change and having no expectations for the outcome allows you to stay level headed and focused on the here and now. Knowing that whatever happens in the future you can and will get through it as you have done in the past. My wonderful friend Courtney was explaining how she feels moving house is such a heavy emotional burden because of all the energy and emotion you have had in a space, calling it home then having to sift through and dismantle all of that. I strongly agree, we can’t expect that our memories, feelings and experiences are going to be easy to shift, they aren’t always easy to experience and so sorting through the entirety of that is bound to be overwhelming. Courtney also said she feels that’s why it’s so much less of a burden when loved ones are around to help and support you throughout the process of moving. People who love you to help carry the emotional and physical weight, I think that’s really beautiful.

My next point being support, sometimes we need it but are too afraid to ask. Theres no shame in needing support be it for moving house or just someone to sit with you in silence feeling whatever pain you have along side you. We need each other. It’s a part of our biology, only natural that in times of need we surround ourselves with people who love and care for us. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help when you need it, we weren’t built to carry heavy weight on our own.

Final note, if you’re feeling uncertain: embrace it! Keep going, allow for opportunities to present themselves. Allow change to take you to unknown places, life’s boring without a little adventure. Like stones in a river, we are shaped by change, we are just lucky enough to choose how.

Take care and be kind!

Love always,

-KJ

P.s. Don’t forget to reward yourself with a, well deserved, cold tasty beverage. 💖 🍻