Conflict has always been a constant in my life. Since I was little the people close to me have fought, yelled, screamed and thrown things. It all comes from something simple, miscommunication and feelings getting out of hand.
It’s contagious and it trickles into me. I don’t even realise I’m yelling until the damage is done. This is something I obviously have to get better at, but how do I fix something so ingrained in me, such a normality in my upbringing.
While being angry or frustrated are completely healthy human emotions, its so important to express them properly. Strong emotions have a tendency to snow ball out of hand. That snowball has to be stopped in its infancy to avoid the fucking car crash of a shituation it will land you in otherwise.
So how do we express anger without being an asshole? Practice mainly, but here are some strategies that have helped me.
Shutting my god damn mouth:
I’ve had a tendency to blurt out harmful things when I’m feeling backed into a corner, these things don’t ring true in the slightest, just weaponised insecurities. Awful shit truly. No one deserves their weaknesses used as weapons to bring them down, especially by someone they love and trust, its extremely difficult to mend a relationship when trust has been violated like that. The first thing you have to do is be aware that you’re doing it, realise its not helping anyone but instead harming them. when you’re angry you have to recognise the feelings that lead to these outbursts and remind yourself to shut your damn mouth.
Taking a time out to calm down the lizard brain:
Our brain has a tendency to revert when we are confronted with conflict activating our lizard brain responsible for “fight, flight and freeze” responses shutting out the part that provides logic and understanding. Taking a moment respectfully to reevaluate the situation bring back our rational thinking brain to evaluate whether anger is the true cause of our outburst or just the reactionary response to an emotion we have trouble identifying. Commonly we resort to anger rather than taking the time to compassionately explore the root of our reaction in turn ignoring unmet needs.
Stay curious:
Once you have had time to breathe its time to explore with curiosity and compassion the deeper cause to reactionary anger. While anger is still an emotion and is completely normal to feel sometimes we use it as a kind of scape goat for feelings that are harder to describe or understand like; Fear, anxiety, guilt, shame, embarrassment, betrayal, jealousy, hurt and worry. These complex emotions are not frequently talked about like anger and it’s easy to shovel them all into the one category. Each emotion requires something different though and its important to tune into that so you have an idea of what you might have to ask for from the other person in a way that is non confrontational and respectful of the other person, without resorting to common defence mechanisms like placing blame or defensiveness.
If we take the time, slow it down, assess our own shit we allow an opportunity for vulnerable communication of needs which can only benefit our relationships. I still very much struggle with this and fight it every time I feel a slight attack on my character even if there isn’t one, its an on going battle but is so so worth it for the wellbeing of my relationships and my own mental health.
I want to express that its okay to fuck up sometimes and let slip a little anger it can be really difficult to unlearn things and make room for new and more productive ways of dealing with conflict. In saying this it is incredibly important to apologise sincerely no matter how embarrassing that might feel, for hurting someone else’s feelings or not respecting them by yelling or snapping at them. It’s important to take responsibility for our actions and make amends appropriately, while it’s okay to slip sometimes, for an apology to mean something it has to be followed by action towards not repeating what you are apologising for in the first place.
We are humans just trying to be better people growing and changing can be uncomfy but worth it. Stay kind and compassionate with yourself and just do your best.
Its always okay to reach out for help, if you are struggling or just need someone to talk things over with REACH OUT! You can always call 13 11 14 to speak to lifeline or speak to your doctor about other options available for mental health.
I now have my Diploma of Counselling so if theres anything you want to know please don’t be afraid to send me an email through the blog. đ
Take care, be kind, spread love.
I believe in us,
-Kj
P.s. I apologise for my absence and appreciate any kind of engagement with either the blog or the reddit book club and thank you so kindly for sticking around â¤
Well Beings 