There is a lot more that we could be doing for our friends and family in regards to listening. I wasnt aware how terribly i was interacting with people until i was taught counselling microskills, which in my opinion should be taught in schools. There are so many aspects in communication that we arent taught its a surprise we can form and maintain relationships at all.
Theres a deep well of techniques in regards to listening i want to go through a few to hopefully allow people the opportunity to expand their relationships and create more meaningful connections in their life. My personal life has shifted drastically in its authenticity and depth since studying counselling.
I think my lack of ability function or listen properly through the expression of other peoples vulnerablities has seriously hindered the quality of my relationships in the past. I feel that if the basics of counselling are more readily available we could create an environment in which we feel safe and supported by our loved ones and capable of disclosing our vulnerablities without fear of putting ourselves at risk.
Its quite simple really and upon learning some of these things i felt it was so blatantly obvious i must be an idiot for not realising sooner, since our society has created a culture in which its opposed to vulnerability we have forgotten about its importance. how accurate it is that vulnerability is not a weakness but our greatest strength. Also the most effective way to build meaningful and long lasting reltionships filled with reciprocated trust and understanding.
First off, Active listening. we have a preconcieved idea of what listening should be and so we converse in a way that doesnt value the experiences and emotions of another. Active listening requires you to be fully present, taking in every aspect of what a person is saying. listening to hear, not listening to respond, and there’s a big difference. Totally obvious when someone isn’t listening to you and are just waiting for their chance to respond. its invalidating. when i speak to someone about something important or emotional to me i want to be heard. i want my feelings to be recognised appreciated rather than disregarded. Active listening means to throw all your personal feelings about the topic out the fucking window and really just listen to this persons experience.
Empathy, focus on them, their experience, feel the pain they describe, their frustrations. Their body language, their tone, the language they use. it all describes in extreme detail their emotional experience. Be there in that experience and feel it too. Providing this kind of support, you create a space where they’re no longer alone in that feeling, you shoulder some of the weight. For some and in my opinion this is the most meaningful kind of support.
Reflecting, this is a skill which requires you to essentially repeat what someone says to you back in your own words. This allows you to clarify your understanding, whilst also giving the speaker the opportunity to reflect on what they’ve said. Imagine the closeness you would feel having someone reflect what your saying as a means to clarify their understanding. what better way to show another person you are truly interested than to ask questions. i really think reflection is a beautiful tool to work toward understanding someone to the best of your abilities.
From reflection comes asking questions and remaining curious. Take the opportunity to listen curiously to what a person is saying and ask questions that allow you to share discovery with them. It is beautiful to experience discovery with someone. To watch as someone sees their own experience through an inquisitive lense, questioning something they might not have before.
It is with ut most importance that when someone gives you the privelege of their vunerability that you inquire without judgment. Nothing like someones personal bias imposing on your experience to pull the exchange to a screeching halt. Relative to this is assuming you share their experience. Assuming anything about another persons emotions or thoughts is silly because there is no way to know unless they exclusively tell you. Someone elses experience is not up for your personal interpretation. They arent opening up to you to hear what you think they should be doing or thinking. If they want advice they will ask for it. Unwarranted it is condescending and insulting, imagine that from the other perspective having someone tell you they know your experience better than you and then having them ram that down your throat.
Similarly, and im guilty of this more than id like to admit, relating someones experience to that of your own. We don’t know what other people think or feel unless they tell us and so assuming our situation regardless of how similar in theory is the same which they are going through is invalidating to their experience. Let a person tell you their experience without making it about you.
Lastly, the importance of silence. My teacher mentioned someone telling her that “silence is the ultimate open ended question”. In society we are somewhat taught that silence is awkward, but in a meaningful conversation it holds so much value. Think of silence like moving clutter out of the way so that theres room for new thoughts. creating space for someone to think freely on something they’ve said. Allowing a person to lean into their thoughts, without interruption, is often where growth is discovered. A space which others may not allow them in conversation, they may not even allow it to themselves.
Now this is just a few things that we could all utilise in those vulnerable conversations we have with loved ones, but theres many more. Looking up counselling microskills be it on youtube or google, there are so many resources available, and there are so many aspects to communication its worth looking into.
I cant explain how much value i’ve found in utilising some of these skills in my personal relationships and the development and closeness this has allowed. I know that there are people in all of our lives that we wish would learn some of these things. But it isn’t within our control that which others choose to learn. So the best thing we can do is to provide this for other people and hope that it catches like a loving, listening disease of comfort and support.
I know this was a long ass post and truly i could go on about this stuff for days so i thank you for taking the time to read it and i hope some of these things help you in your life like they have mine.
Happy listening, big love and kindness, Its the best feeling to not only be listened to but really heard.
I choose to learn, until i cant.
Peace and love,
-Kj
Well Beings 