I always thought I was a fairly open and honest person. I suddenly became aware of how much I wasn’t sharing, in exchanges with my friends and family. See although I have always recounted things that have happened in my life I haven’t been sharing a crucial part that creates stronger bonds and relationships with people.
Sharing stories with people is how we create trust in relationships, opening up and being vulnerable to create a sense of comfort and oneness. Also opening the floor and creating a safe place for others to be vulnerable in return. Telling stories I thought was the most important part but I was missing something crucial. Emotions.
The way I would share experiences that had hurt me or where I have felt weak have been recounted in a disassociated way, vacant of the vulnerability part of the whole exchange. Cold and distant I’ve told stories as though they weren’t a part of me, like id been indifferent to the experience. Now in hind sight this sounds really weird, because id been lying to myself, hiding it from myself and first and foremost standing in the way of my relationship with myself.
We don’t realise how much we try and hide from the things that pain us until they’ve swallowed us whole.
I’ve noticed that lately with this awareness I’m becoming more open with myself, exploring the feelings associated with the situations that hurt me. With this I’m learning myself, to trust, to love, to feel safe with., because I hadn’t before. when I was younger I went to great lengths to avoid spending time with me, too afraid to face my burdens I kept buried in the back of my mind. Constantly needing a distraction to avoid my own mind that was desperately reaching out for love and support.
I hid by doing drugs, going out, being reckless. I hid by focusing on other peoples demons instead of my own, on a war path of fixing people who didn’t ask for it and hurting them in the process.
being real with people is hard but its being real with yourself that takes real courage. It means being real with your ugly parts, the parts you aren’t proud of, the things that fill you with guilt and pain. being vulnerable with myself was where I truly felt I started to make positive change. All I’d needed was my own compassion my own acceptance.
I encourage you to listen to yourself, hear it all, the good and the bad because its in that place where you can truly start feeling whole again. We have to be our own best friend, to ignore the person you spend every day with is cruel. Growth can only happen when we choose to see the parts we wish to change. It takes time and patience and sometimes you might need some help. Going to therapy is always an option and its a great one, because sometimes its a little dark and it’s okay to ask someone to hold a light for you to help get through it.
Be patient with yourself, it takes time to heal. Its definitely worth it because you deserve it, and so did i.
Give yourself love, compassion and understanding. Be kind, you got this.
-KJ
Well Beings 