Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 24 and I wanted to talk about that a little bit. As I sit here, fighting with distraction to write this, it almost seems impossible to me that no one noticed the symptoms throughout my life. For a lot of women though, late diagnosis is usually the case. along with being misdiagnosed or the diagnosis being missed entirely.
Women tend towards being inattentive rather than hyperactive which is ironically difficult to spot unless paying close attention. Along with information being misleading about the disorder itself. If your struggle isn’t reflected in your grades or you aren’t disrupting the class in some way it seems you just become invisible.
I spent my childhood day dreaming, reading, climbing trees and taking myself on adventures. I was a good kid, for the most part I was respectful and well behaved, quiet but distant. My behaviour warranting names like space-cadet and being constantly asked to hurry up or move faster. as opposed to my hyperactive counterparts I moved in what felt like slow motion. like I was watching my life and the world go by in third person from the back of my very busy mind.
In high school I became aware of how different I was, only back then it felt like inadequacy. not being able to keep up with my classmates in any sense of the word. In some classes I was obnoxious and disrespectful of the teacher and the students learning. In maths I wrote stories quietly and to myself. I was late every day. My assignments were late or never completed because I couldn’t understand the breadth of the questions or I would over think them to the point of rendering my answers not worthy.
It’s disheartening to try your absolute hardest and still be told its not good enough, to be told “you have so much potential if only you would put in the effort” “if Keanna stopped talking so much and payed attention she would excel”. Being smart but not being able to apply it is crippling and people treat you like you’re stupid for not being able to keep up with what most people can.
Eventually I got asked to leave school as I wasn’t putting in the effort, id given up on myself. Instead of trying and facing the consequences of being told just one more time that I wasn’t trying, I gave up, I stopped showing up to class, I didn’t even attempt my assignments. I was hurting and I felt that for some reason unbeknownst to me that I just couldn’t equate to what was expected of me, so I was inevitably asked to leave.
It wasn’t until many years later when I decided to study counselling that I realised the issues I faced in school weren’t just an issue of growing up. I struggled to listen to my teachers and found solace in watching the trains pass amidst examining the clouds. This was a subject I enjoyed greatly and I still couldn’t keep up. Assignments were filled with anxiety, stress and the questions seemed to be weighted in riddles.
I was researching mental health conditions for an assignment and stumbled across the diagnostic criteria for ADHD and suddenly my struggles felt viable and real. I researched for hours, watching videos of people with ADHD explaining their struggles, reading articles and seeing the statistical variance between diagnosis for men and women. Suddenly I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore and I found a doctor who would take me seriously.
The first doctor I went to see disregarded my issues as me needing to learn better methods of organisation. He wouldn’t send me to a psychologist until id scored high on the depression test. the psychologist seemed to disregard ADHD entirely and suggested I buy more coat hangers and organisational containers.
I called another doctors office and the lady, who had seemed shocked about my previous experience, said “I think we have the perfect doctor for you to come and see”. Seeing this doctor, who treated the issues I was facing with respect and dignity, immediately felt like I was on the right path. I was taken seriously and referred to a psychiatrist who then diagnosed me with ADHD.
A disorder so heavily researched, Studied and observed since 1902. Why is there still so much denial of its existence? Why are people facing these struggles just to be scoffed at when they reach for help? Why is it going so blindly un-noticed in schools?
I think it’s because we don’t talk about it enough, lots of people don’t know what having ADHD really entails or they don’t believe it exists. The media has created so much misinformation and bias around the topic it’s difficult for the general public to see it in any other light.
Media representation hinders public bias in another aspect as well: medication. Used to help in the treatment of ADHD are some medications known as stimulants, some part of the amphetamine family. Amphetamines don’t have a great reputation because of the street drugs associated with the name. Also the misuse of stimulant medications by drug seeking persons make it incredibly difficult to achieve treatment if you have ADHD. Feeling as though you have to prove you aren’t drug seeking is scary.
There is also a lot of resistance when it comes to giving children stimulant medication because of this fact. Parents don’t find it appealing to give their children amphetamines for breakfast. With the cultural and societal bias it makes sense they would think this way. The thing is though medications are not street drugs! They are regulated closely and their administration monitored by doctors, for an ADHD mind, stimulant medication might be the key to unlocking that aforementioned unreachable potential. In saying that every person requires treatment for their particular needs.
Medication has changed my life, I am now capable of being the person I always felt that I was but couldn’t achieve. I can finally live up to my standards. Diagnosis has helped me navigate the way that I do things and adjust the things that I do to fit me more personally, to work with my ADHD not against it. I have discovered a community of people who share similar struggles where I feel safe and understood. I finally feel in control of who I choose to be.
Theres no shame in seeking help, If you feel like something is wrong it is very much worth finding out. Whether it be physical or mental its worth discovering yourself in those ways. It provides the opportunity to take the right steps to look after yourself in ways that fit you. You deserve that!
I appreciate you and the struggles you have faced, I value you seeking to find the best things for you and your physical and mental wellbeing.
Don’t give up on yourself, you are worthy of your love and you are worthy of your kindness.
Peace and love,
-KJ
p.s sorry this was such a long one.
Well Beings 